


A Constellation of Tears (On Your Lashes)

by TheIntrovertedM



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Canon compliant-ish, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Establishing Relationship, Injury (It's only mentioned and it's not explicit), Kissing, M/M, More angst, This got quite dark quite quickly and I'm sorry, breakdown - Freeform, iwaoi - Freeform, pining i guess, what even is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-13 02:28:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7134890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIntrovertedM/pseuds/TheIntrovertedM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the day of the Spring High defeat. Iwaizumi goes to see Oikawa at his house.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The End (Of the Beginning)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stardustzuko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustzuko/gifts).



> This fic is dedicated to magnificentmoriarty. I sent her teasers and she told me to stop.
> 
> (The title of this fic is taken from 'My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light 'em Up) by Fall Out Boy because I'm not just one type of trash but many)

Iwaizumi felt it as soon as the ball hit the floor. Maybe he felt it a bit before that, in the moment he knew that the ball couldn’t be saved. No matter the point it started, the feeling was exactly the same. The overwhelming crush of defeat, it constricted his windpipe, creating a heavy knot in his chest. Next came the realisation that it was all over, Iwaizumi’s chances of going to the nationals were gone, forever. It hit him like a ton of bricks, bowling him over with guilt and bitter disappointment. He could feel the tears prick the back of his eyes, but they didn’t come just yet.  
No, they came later .

They lined up, a team of collective anguish.  
“No matter what I say, the result won’t change. I can’t make your regrets disappear” The coach was addressing them, but the words felt dull to Iwaizumi’s ears.  
“But, I do want to say one thing. You all played well”. Those words hit the team in full force. Iwaizumi watched as tears poured down Kindaichi’s face, Watari’s too, Hanamaki and Matsukawa fighting to keep it together. Slowly, they all turned, moving towards the stunned supporters. Iwaizumi turned around but his feet rooted themselves to the floor. Tears dragged across his cheeks as he bit his lip fiercely.You all played well the Coach had said, but he didn’t feel it. He was the ace. He should have been able to finish it, the toss, everything, they were perfect. “I couldn’t even score off that ball. What kind of ace am I?” He thought bitterly. 

He felt a hard slap in the middle of his back. Without turning he knew it was Oikawa. Iwaizumi looked at him out of the corner of his eye as he passed, but Oikawa didn’t look back. Oikawa hadn’t said anything but Iwaizumi felt the words as surely as if he had spoken them. It wasn’t his fault, nothing could have been done. He had played well, he had done his best, the whole team had, but it wasn’t enough. You aren’t alone. All that was said in that single touch. As if Oikawa knew exactly what he was thinking, and more importantly, exactly what he needed. He felt more slaps on his back as the team passed him, echoes of Oikawa’s one, all sharing the same sentiment. Iwaizumi inhaled sharply then joined the others. Standing before the supporters he could feel their shock more than anything else. The knot in his chest tightened a little. He bowed “Thank you for supporting us!” Then Iwaizumi left the Sendai gym for the last time, but for the first time he left it in defeat.

\----

Iwaizumi walked the street half wondering why on earth he was doing this. He’d seen Oikawa this afternoon, had made promises he intended to keep, had said goodbye. But here he was, walking to Oikawa’s house at quarter to ten in the night. Because despite how Oikawa had been when he’d seen him that afternoon he couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that he should go see him. Couldn’t shake the gnawing worry in his stomach. 

He stood in front of Oikawa’s house and stared at his bedroom window. The main light wasn’t on, but Iwaizumi thought he could see the faintest of glows. Iwaizumi contemplated knocking but he didn’t want to explain why he was here to Oikawa’s parents.

Grasping the nearest tree branch he swung himself up, climbing the familiar route of his childhood, when he and Oikawa had pretended that the only safe way was in through the window to Oikawa’s room, the only way to shake whoever or whatever was chasing them. He eased himself through the window, pushing away all thoughts of blissful childhood when he saw Oikawa. Iwaizumi had seen Oikawa in the worst of ways, he’d seen him when he had broken his left arm when he was 7, seen him when he’d grazed his knees so badly blood had coated his shins. Iwaizumi had seen Oikawa with almost every conceivable injury over the years, but he had never seen Oikawa quite so broken. 

Oikawa sat at his desk,headphones on, dressed in shorts and a sweater. He was staring blankly at his computer screen, which was playing their match today against Karasuno. His hair was wild, sticking out randomly, evidence that Oikawa had been tearing at it in frustration. The video reflected in Oikawa’s glasses as tears streamed down his cheeks, dripping off his chin. There was a wet patch at the top of sweater, and his hands dug into his forearms, the sleeves of his sweater pushed up to reveal a series of red half moons. Oikawa’s face was hard to look at, a mess of regret and guilt. Iwaizumi didn’t know what he had expected to find, but it wasn’t this. 

Oikawa pulled his headphones down and placed them on the desk.  
“Oikawa…” Iwaizumi started but Oikawa rounded on him, eyes blazing behind his glasses.  
“It’s my fault, I keep watching and I keep seeing mistakes. And you know what? They’re all mine!” Oikawa spat.  
“All these things I should have done or things I could have done better. Decisions I shouldn’t have made. I know, I know if I had only just corrected these things we wouldn’t have lost” Oikawa’s voice cracked, his breathing harsh, hard.  
Iwaizumi felt something in his chest give way.  
“No! No, Oikawa it isn’t your fault!” He paused, gathering his thoughts. “Listen to me Tooru, maybe there are things that you could have done differently, but everyone else has those things too!”  
“But I’m the Captain,” Oikawa snapped back “I’m responsible…”  
Iwaizumi snorted “Tooru, you can’t control everything. Yes, you are the captain, but you can only do so much. You aren’t the only person on this team!”  
Oikawa looked up at him, silent.  


“Remember when I told you that you’re stronger with six? Well those six people have their weaknesses too. You can’t make fix the mistakes you make and expect that no one else will make mistakes because of that. Just like you can’t make everyone else strong just by being strong yourself.” Iwaizumi stopped talking, catching his breath. He hadn’t realised he felt so strongly, hadn’t realised that he wanted, no needed, to say this.  
“Iwaizumi, I know all this, I just can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stopping hating myself for all I did and didn’t do” Oikawa whispered “You have no idea how much I want to stop. All I want is to stop watching this over and over. All I want is to go sleep.”  
“So go.”  
“I can’t, every time I close my eyes I see a replay of everything I did wrong and then that moment the ball fell” Oikawa looked devastated  
“Tooru, you can’t keep always blaming yourself.”  
Oikawa turned and faced the wall, he hadn’t moved from his position at the desk. Hadn’t stopped crying or bothered to try and look okay  
“I see you too.” Iwaizumi blinked, stunned “I see your face as you stood crying”  
Iwaizumi drew in a sharp breath “That wasn’t your fault, that was me. I was blaming myself”  
“I see them all, Hanamaki, Matsukawa, Kindaichi, Kunumi, all of them. I can feel their disappointment. It weighs me down.”  
He didn’t have anything to say to that, how could he, when he had felt exactly the same.  
“Iwaizumi .. Iwa-chan .. I just want to go to sleep” Oikawa whispered brokenly at the expanse between them.

Iwaizumi sighed, and stepped forward from where he had been standing in front of the window. He crouched in front of Oikawa and took his glasses off. A quick glance around the room revealed that the tissues were over by the drawers that lined the opposite wall. Iwaizumi stood, intending to go and grab a couple but Oikawa grabbed his arm, yanking him back down before wrapping his arms around Iwaizumi, drawing him into a hug. He hesitated for a moment before wrapping his own arms around Oikawa. 

They stayed like that for a few minutes. Iwaizumi was content for Oikawa to take as long as he needed, if it would help him sleep. When Oikawa finally pulled away, the tears had stopped. His hair and face were still a mess but something in his eyes had changed.  
“Promise me you’ll get some sleep now” Iwaizumi whispered, feeling uncomfortable at the thought of leaving Oikawa alone.  
The gnawing worry had returned in force, he felt an odd sense of protection that was making it difficult to bring himself to get up and leave. Oikawa hadn’t let go of him yet, his hands still clutched at Iwaizumi’s arms, though he had pulled back, creating a brief distant between them. Oikawa was looking up at him, his face as open and as honest as Iwaizumi had ever seen it for a long time. All his pretty boy confidence had disappeared. Iwaizumi glanced away, looking above Oikawa to the wall, unable to keep looking. Looking caused a sharp hurt in his chest, a painful tug that made Iwaizumi want to do anything to keep that broken expression off Oikawa’s face.

“Iwa-chan .. Can you.. Can you stay.. With me?“ The last part was whispered so softly Iwaizumi almost couldn’t hear it. Oikawa wasn’t looking at him now, but rather down. The grip of his hands tighten on Iwaizumi’s arms  
“Just for tonight .. Please Iwa-chan .. I just .. don’t want to be alone.” Oikawa’s words were barely audible and he still wasn't looking at him.  
“What about your parents? Won’t they be, I don’t know, confused, surprised?” Iwaizumi questioned, his heartbeat racing a little.  
“They won’t mind, it’s only you after all. And you can always leave before they get up. Please, .. I really need you here Iwa-chan.”  
Iwaizumi thought about it. His parents thought he was asleep in bed, he didn’t have anything urgent to do. And he didn’t really want to leave in the first place, something in him was against going anywhere and leaving Oikawa.  
“Fine. I’ll stay. But you’ve got to sleep now, you’re exhausted Tooru.” Iwaizumi relented. 

Now it was his turn to look down. He felt the pressure on his arms release and the hands move away. He glanced up in time to see Oikawa shed his sweater to reveal a plain navy blue top beneath. Iwaizumi suddenly realised he hadn’t thought about exactly what they were gonna do, where exactly he was going to stay.  
“Tooru?”  
“Mmmm”  
“Errr, where am I sleeping?”  
“ … I thought we could share the bed”  
“Oh.”  
The silence was awkward, filled with something unspoken. They aren’t children anymore, they hadn’t slept over at each others houses since they were 13. And it had been even longer since the days when they would share a bed, dozing off after hours of games in their own private world. But Iwaizumi didn’t ask to change it, didn’t demand to sleep somewhere else. 

Oikawa lay down first, on his side, back to the wall. Iwaizumi could feel the weight of his gaze as he lay down too. He stared up at the ceiling, still dotted with the glow in dark stars Oikawa put up when he’d first fallen in love with space. He remembered Oikawa begging for a telescope and spending hours just staring upwards, imprinting the constellations into his memory. He remembered listening to Oikawa go on and on for hours about aliens. He remembered waiting, bored, for Oikawa to actually play to him after he’d invited Iwaizumi over, instead of spending hours researching planets and solar systems. 

He focused on those memories, instead of the feel of Oikawa’s gaze, the closeness of him, the warmth of him just centimetres away, the fact he could just reach out and touch him so easily. Especially not the way that these things made him feel. Iwaizumi stared at the ceiling until the stars began to blur, white smudges in the muted darkness. Iwaizumi stared at those stars until he couldn’t stand seeing them anymore, stared at the stars until he could bear to face Oikawa.

Iwaizumi wished he hadn’t turned. Oikawa looked like an angel. Not because he was beautiful, but because peace had settled over him. The lack of tension in his face. The feathering of his eyelashes against his cheeks. The soft rise and fall of his chest, even and slow. The gentle curve of his slender hand against the pillow. The slight parting of his lips. The way his back curved and his legs curled. Iwaizumi had forgotten how sleep changed him. How it softened him, wiped away the hard veneer Oikawa hid behind. Iwaizumi had forgotten how in sleep, one truly saw Oikawa Tooru, saw him as unguarded as he would ever get. 

Almost absentmindedly, Iwaizumi brushed a hand gently over Oikawa’s cheek. Oikawa’s breath ghosting over his hand as he felt the soft skin. He didn’t know why he did it, the gesture was almost done without his own volition. His eyes slipped closed, the image of Oikawa’s sleeping face imprinted behind his eyelids, fingers and cheeks burning slightly. Iwaizumi realised, just before his consciousness disappeared, that he would do anything to keep Oikawa like this, anything so he could have the brief peace of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter should be up within a month.


	2. The Middle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst, just a lot of angst. I'm sorry.

Iwaizumi thought of that night often. Or rather, he was plagued by it. It began simply enough, every time he closed his eyes to sleep, there was the image of Oikawa, sleeping, untouched by anything that could hurt him. He couldn’t get rid of it, it was almost seemingly tattooed onto his eyelids. But then other moments would flash into his head. The brush of his fingers on Oikawa cheek. The tears that ran across Oikawa’s face. The reflection of the video in Oikawa’s glasses. The bitter words Oikawa had said, and the broken ones that followed. That single thought before Iwaizumi had fallen asleep. They all caught him off guard, short staccato bursts that left him dazed, a uncomfortable feeling sitting in his stomach. 

For the last few weeks of school before he left, Iwaizumi found it increasingly difficult to be around Oikawa. The kaleidoscope of moments that filled his thoughts when around him, coupled with the turmoil of his own feelings made being with Oikawa an awkward uncomfortable experience, at least on his part. He put up a good front, he didn’t want to ruin their time together before University, but it was hard. Iwaizumi had never felt uncomfortable in Oikawa’s presence, at least not that he could remember, they’d been friends since Iwaizumi had had memories. For so long, there was nothing between them, but now something hung heavy and unspoken, an invisible barrier. Iwaizumi edged around it, pushing unwelcome thoughts of it away as soon as they occurred. Oikawa, however, had always been one to assess a situation before confronting it head on. 

It was no great surprise to Iwaizumi then when Oikawa decided, in the middle of their last week, he was going to walk home with Iwaizumi.  
“Aaaah, Iwa-chan, have you missed me while you’ve been busy?” Oikawa’s voice is light, but tinged with something more serious.  
“Honestly I have no idea how you’ve survived so long without my delightful presence Iwa-chan.”  
“Delightfully annoying you mean.”  
“So you admit that it’s delightful!” Oikawa crows.  
Iwaizumi is just waiting for it, the moment when Oikawa drops the pretense. But Oikawa has always liked to toy with people, Iwaizumi knows it better than most. 

“I knew you loved me Iwa-chan, deep down I know I’m the light of your life.” Oikawa laughs. The light tone is still there but there’s almost an accusation underlying it.  
Iwaizumi almost chokes, a rapid slide show of _that_ night flying across his vision. He can feel Oikawa watching him, eyes sharp, taking in details. Weighing and measuring. Putting him up to the light and comparing him to what he already knows. Reassessing. And then Oikawa’s view of him will change, ever so slightly, just as it always has. Only this time, the thought of it somewhat terrifies Iwaizumi. He doesn’t want to know how Oikawa would see him if he knew of Iwaizumi’s feelings, whatever they might be. So he does what he’s always done, brush it off and move on.

“Oh please, Trashykawa, you wish.” Iwaizumi snorts in his best ‘1000% done with Oikawa Tooru’ voice. There’s a pause and Oikawa’s gaze moves forward again. Thick silence wraps around them. 

They don’t speak for the rest of the walk, not until they reach Iwaizumi’s house. Oikawa only says the briefest of goodbyes. His face is closed, an unreadable expression over an inscrutable veneer. Iwaizumi knows something has changed between them, but at this point in time he doesn’t want anything else to plague him, so he drops it. Doesn’t bring it up or push it when Oikawa begins to put a space between them. He tries to convince himself that it’s a natural progression, that the space is good. After all they won’t be together for University, and all friends drift apart, eventually. The words are useless though, incredibly weak and false, doing nothing to soothe the pain in his chest, the one that’s been there since the night of Spring High Semifinals. 

And then Oikawa’s gone, two and half hours between them and so much more. 

  
\----  


Oikawa stares blankly at the white ceiling, it’s dreadfully plain and he misses the stars that decorated his own ceiling. Or he would miss them if he could conjure up enough energy to care. Just like he would miss his family or his old friends, like he would care about his degree or his job. But right now Oikawa Tooru has very little energy and even less emotion. 

He’s been like this since Sunday, 3 days ago. He’s almost surprised he remembers what day it is, but he can’t really forget Sunday, or how many days it has been since he decided that nothing really mattered anymore. He hasn’t gone to any of his classes, has barely moved from his bed. As soon as he opened his eyes on Monday he wished he could close them again, forever. What is the point in existing if everything thing he loves is gone. 

Oikawa lists them in his head for what seems like the hundredth time. 

University Friends: Nonexistent. No one bothers to try and know him and definitely no one cares. There is a definite sting to the fact that he has never felt more alone. 

Job: Terrible. Sure it gets him by but it was slowly numbing his brain. What’s the point in working if he loses his very soul in doing so. 

Astrophysics Degree: Failing, no point in even attending classes anymore. He’d be a terrible Astrophysicist anyway. 

His Girlfriend: Broke up with him because he was so boring and clearly uninterested in her or her feelings. Oikawa wishes this didn’t hurt as much as it does. 

High School Friends: Abandoned him. Slowly but surely stopped talking to him. After not even 4 months. Maybe they don’t care or maybe he pushed them away. He doesn’t know and doesn’t care enough to ask. One in particular plagues him, and thoughts of him create a painful gaping hole in Oikawa’s chest. 

And Volleyball. The one last good thing. Until Sunday. When he stupidly re-injured his knee. They kicked him off the team. Actually no, they told him to take a break for a couple of months, but that’s as good as kicked off to Oikawa. 

Volleyball had been the only thing keeping him going, the only thing that made him drag himself out of bed and pull up a facade to get through the day. In a volleyball game he could lose all of his cares, he didn’t have to think of anything else. Volleyball had been a sanctuary. But that’s all gone as of Sunday. So now he lies in bed all day. He pleads sick to the dorm overseers, smiling and pretending like he is so devastated to not be going to class. It works but Oikawa almost wishes it wouldn’t. 

Today the constant emptiness has lessened and the utter boredom of staring at his depressingly blank ceiling is getting to Oikawa slightly. At least that is what he tells himself is the explanation for the fact he picked up his old cellphone and dialed that number. The number he swore he wouldn’t call ever again. Luckily it goes straight to voicemail, but he’s so out of it he can’t exactly remember if he left one or not. 

Blearily, Oikawa closes his eyes, letting the pull of sleep drag him away from the monotony of living. The last thing he sees is the contact screen and name of that number, unchanged since High School, flashing across the backs of his eyelids. 

_‘Iwa-chan <3’ ___

  
\----  


It’s 10:46pm on a Wednesday night. Iwaizumi has been at Tohoku University for almost four months now. He hasn’t spoken to Oikawa since graduation. He tried texting, even a couple of calls, but every attempt went unanswered, so he gave up. 

Now he stumbles into his dorm room, calling out tired goodbyes to his new friends. He’s a little tipsy, alcohol bringing a slight fuzz to his thoughts. Fumbling with the light switch, Iwaizumi is immensely glad that he keeps his room quite clean, as he makes his way towards his bed. He flops unceremoniously onto it, reaching for his phone where he stupidly left it on the bedside table before he went out. 

The screen brightens at his touch and informs him that he has messages and, surprisingly, a voicemail. He clears the messages first, a few from Uni friends and one from Hanamaki saying that he hasn’t heard from Oikawa in a while. Iwaizumi ignores the clench in his chest when he reads that, and replies that Oikawa has just probably been too busy or lost his phone. 

Onto the voicemail and the missed call that accompanies it. Iwaizumi almost wants to ignore it until the morning, assuming that it’s probably drunken nonsense from a friend. He checks his call log and almost drops his phone in surprise. Shock, pure shock floods his brain, instantly sobering him when he sees the name.  
‘Tooru’ 

Oikawa had called him. The thought is so jarring that Iwaizumi numbly holds his phone for a minute. Eventually he manages to get his shaking fingers to dial voicemail, dread and panic squeezing the air out of his lungs as the dial tone rings. 

The first word chips at the wall he built. The first sentence creates a crack. The third sentence breaks a hole. The fifth sentence tears down the wall completely. And the last sentence shatters him. The last word wrecks him. 

Iwaizumi doesn’t know how he does it, but he manages to sleep, tears spilling down his cheeks even after his eyes are closed. Though the tears are nothing compared to the emotions raging inside, sleep drags him under. Oikawa’s broken voice ringing through his mind and tears creating silver scars across his cheeks. 

It’s 8:22am on a Thursday morning and Iwaizumi has 4 classes today, the first of which starts in 8 minutes. But Iwaizumi Hajime is not waiting in his first class, he isn’t even on campus. No, Iwaizumi Hajime is boarding the first train he could get to Tokyo. 

His body thrums with anxiety and tension, every single fibre in him is screaming that he needs to be in Tokyo . That he needs to get to Oikawa _now ___. Two and a half hours seems like an eternity, infinite, and definitely too long before he’s in Tokyo. Too long for Iwaizumi to be alone with his feelings. Regret and guilt fill him so much it feels like they’ve replaced his blood. Oikawa’s voicemail is on a continuous loop, each run through increasing the tension in Iwaizumi and piling more onto the crushing weight that is slowly pulling the air from his lungs.

The minute the train doors open Iwaizumi is running, barely noticing the thousand or so people around him. He glances up only to check the street signs. The pavement is swallowed up beneath him. Iwaizumi only cares about how quickly he can get to Oikawa. He needs him to be okay. And the sooner he gets there the sooner he can make sure that he is. 

\---- 

Oikawa wakes to an insistent knocking on his door. He considers not answering, it is after all way too early to even think of opening his eyes, but the knocking continues. Oikawa drags himself into a standing position and stumbles to the door, plastering a tired smile on his face, ready to blatantly lie to the overseers face. 

He opens the door and the half hearted veneer vanishes. Standing in front of him is the person he most and least wants to see. Oikawa is too shocked to move, limbs frozen. “He’s here” He thinks and his mouth shares the sentiment.  
“You’re here.” 

All Oikawa’s thought vanish until a single name rings through his mind. 

_Iwa-chan. ___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again the next chapter should be up within a month. It will get better, I promise.


	3. The Beginning (Of The End)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Iwa-chan._  
>  _Iwa-chan I…_  
>  _I miss you._  
>  _I just miss you so much._  
>  _I don’t know what to do._  
>  _I need you here Iwa-chan._  
>  _Please._
> 
> Voicemail ended, to repeat press one, to delete press two, to save press thr-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has quite a bit of angst but it does in fact work out, you just gotta make it to the end. Thank you to my beta for sticking with me through this fic, you're so lovely.

“You’re here.”

_{Iwa-chan.}_

Oikawa’s voice sounds nothing like his own. It’s flat, absolutely no emotion in it. It sounds like Oikawa looks. Iwaizumi had thought that Oikawa had looked bad on the night of the spring high defeat, he realises that it was nothing compared to how he looks now. At least then Oikawa had been himself, Iwaizumi isn’t sure if he even knows the person standing in front of him. 

“Yes, I’m here. That’s want you wanted after all.” He forces his voice not to shake, praying for Oikawa to say something, anything. But the former captain remains silent, eyes glazed, staring at Iwaizumi but not really seeing him. Iwaizumi shoulders past him into his room, if only to give himself something else to concentrate on something other than his (former) best friend. 

He pulls Oikawa in after him and shuts the door. The room is silent and dark. The bed is messy, slept in and unmade, and a few t-shirts decorate the floor. Iwaizumi remembers Oikawa’s old bedroom, how everything always had a place and as soon as he was up he made his bed. The more he sees, the tighter the knot in his chest becomes. 

Oikawa is still standing in just inside the room, staring as if the wall is the most interesting thing he has ever seen. 

_{Iwa-chan I...}_

“Oikawa.” Iwaizumi snaps his fingers in front of Oikawa’s face but Oikawa doesn’t even blink. Iwaizumi’s heart is sinking with every second that passes by that Oikawa doesn’t respond.  
“Tooru!” Iwaizumi voice is desperate and he’s considering shaking Oikawa at this point. Some part of him foolishly hopes that it’s a pretense, a game, and any moment Oikawa will give a smug grin and laugh that he “fooled him good didn’t he?” But Oikawa’s face remains blank, devoid of anything recognisable as himself. Iwaizumi is just about to consider dumping a glass of cold water on Oikawa, he’s that desperate, when a voice shatters the silence.

_{I miss you.}_

_“Why are you here?”_ Oikawa’s voice is soft and cold. He doesn’t look at Iwaizumi, doesn’t even so much as bat an eyelash, but Iwaizumi can still feel the ghost of Oikawa’s gaze on him. It scrutinizes him, sharp and disappointing, as if it has weighed him and found him lacking.  
_“I don’t want you here.”_ Oikawa continues, harsher. _“I didn’t ever want to see you again.”_ Oikawa whips around to face him, and the utter loathing in his gaze makes Iwaizumi physically stagger backwards.

“But .. but .. I thought-” Iwaizumi stumbles over the words, confusion making his tongue heavy in his mouth. His thoughts whirl around in a incoherent flurry.  
“You thought wrong.” Oikawa snaps, “Wasn’t the lack of communication clear enough _Iwa-chan.”_  
The use of his old pet name makes Iwaizumi’s head spin, he’s never seen Oikawa like this, so cold, so unfeeling. It’s completely at odds with the Oikawa he knew, even more so at odds with the Oikawa of the voicemail.

_{I just miss you so much.}_

The silence is suffocating. Iwaizumi feels like the air has been snatched from his lungs and his head is spinning, Oikawa’s voicemail mingling with what he has just said, creating a dizzying mix. Oikawa is glaring at him as if he can make him disappear, by making Iwaizumi wish he was anywhere other than here.  
“Leave, now.” Oikawa bites at him. “Don’t try to contact me ever again.”  
Numbly, Iwaizumi stumbles towards the door, even though every part of him is screaming that he needs to stay. He’s just about to reach for the doorknob and open it to leave when a sharp knock sounds.

“Oikawa-san.” A matronly woman’s voice calls and Oikawa blanches. A brief flash of fear appears on his face, before he’s smiling, calm and collected once more. Shoving Iwaizumi behind the door, he opens it, familiar charming veneer firmly in place.  
“Hiromada-san! Good morning.” Oikawa chirps, as if butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. Iwaizumi watches the whole exchange through the crack between the door hinges, worry slowly filling his veins

“Good morning. Will you be attending any of your lectures today Oikawa-san?”  
“Aaah, no, I won’t be. I’m so sorry Hiromada-san!”  
“Are you still not well?”  
“No, unfortunately not. I’m so sorry, I do hate missing class.”  
Oikawa coughs loudly and deliberately into his elbow, a forced rough hacking sound.

“It will be four days now, maybe you should go see a doctor Oikawa-san. I can book one for you if you would like?”  
“No, no! I wouldn’t want to trouble you like that! I’m sure it’s just a bug going around.”  
If you’re sure Oikawa-san, it is really no trouble at all.”  
“No, it’s fine! I’ll be fine by Monday, Hiromada-san, I’m sure. I just need a good rest, that’s all.”  
“Well, I trust your judgement Oikawa-san. If you are no better by Monday I will book an appointment though. Also your professor told me you have a paper due tomorrow”  
“How kind of you Hiromada-san! But I don’t think you will need to, by Monday I promise I will absolutely fine. Tell Takeda Sensei the paper is a good as his. Have a nice day Hiromada-san!”

_{I don’t know what to do}_

Oikawa closes the door, smile slipping from his face as soon as the lock clicks into place. He slumps against the door, eyes closing, face twisted in an anguished expression, seemingly forgetting Iwaizumi is here. A heavy sigh escapes Oikawa lips and Iwaizumi watches as the energy fades from his body. Iwaizumi can hold his tongue no longer, the worry and concern weighing on him to heavily for him not to speak. 

“What’s wrong Oikawa?” He questions, hoping for a straight answer. No such luck.  
“What do you care?! You gave up on me. You _abandoned_ me!” Oikawa’s voice is cruel and sharp, a blade that cuts Iwaizumi to the core. He opens his mouth, but no words come out. Oikawa slides further down the door, the expression on his face one of tired defeat.  
“Why, why on earth are you here?” Oikawa’s voice is plainer, but it still cuts the same, widening the wound. “Why would you come, if not to hurt me more?” The honesty in his voice rubs Iwaizumi raw. 

“You abandoned me Iwaizumi. You left me alone.” Each sentence is a new dagger in Iwaizumi’s heart, each cut filling with heavy guilt.  
“So forgive me if I don’t want you here, if I don’t want to ever see or talk to you again.” Oikawa tilts his head back against the wood of the door.  
“Forgive me if I don’t forgive you. Betrayal hurts, Iwaizumi, it hurts a lot.“ The use of his name is a slap in the face, a cruel reminder of the distance between them, and how much bigger it is than he had thought.

_{I need you here Iwa-chan.}_

“I came-” He pauses, a shaky breath taken. “I came because you asked me to.” Oikawa doesn’t react to that, his eyes remaining as closed as his expression.  
“But …” Another gasping breath interrupts him, and Iwaizumi can’t be bothered to take the time to collect himself before he continues. “But I’ll go, I’ll go if you really want me to. I’ll go if that’s what’s best for you.“ The brief silence chokes him. 

“What do you care?” Oikawa’s eyes open and he glances at him but his expression is no more readable than it was before. “What do you care what’s best for me?”  
Iwaizumi blinks, the torrent of emotion going through him summed up by stunned confusion. He’s about 3 seconds away from screaming or God knows what. 

“What. Do. You. Mean. What. Do. I. Care.” He sputters, the transparent emotions barely contained. “I’m in fucking Tokyo, 2 and a half hours away from where I’m meant to be. I have 4 classes today among other plans and I drop everything and come to see you because you ring in the middle of the night and leave me a voicemail that’s real fucking concerning. And you have the audacity to ask what do I care.” Iwaizumi’s breathing is harsh, ragged, and he feels a fire of rage burning through his veins, the worry igniting like gasoline. “Now stop playing and tell me what’s wrong Oikawa.” 

Oikawa turns away from him and closes his eyes again, silent. Iwaizumi can’t tell anything from his expression and it annoys the hell out of him. It’s just another reminder of the fact there is a space between them, a bridge burnt that Iwaizumi didn’t even care enough to notice and try put it out. The silence stretches between them, full of _something_ but Iwaizumi will be damned to hell before he can figure it out.

“What did it say?” Oikawa’s voice is a knife that slices through the silence, but strangely enough it doesn’t cut him. It grazes by Iwaizumi, a shiver of curiosity. The question puzzles him.  
“Huh?”  
“The voicemail .. What did it say?”  
“.... You don’t remember?”  
“No.” It’s only a word but for Iwaizumi it means a piece of the puzzle can be clicked into place, but Iwaizumi isn’t sure if he’ll like the picture at the end.

_{Please.}_

He pauses considering, then  
“I’ll tell you, but only if you tell me what’s going. Why you’ve missed four days of Uni.” Oikawa’s eyes snap to him, wide and opened like a book, the surprise in them laced with utter terror and a touch of want.  
“O-o-okay. F-fine. Whatever.” he replies, a pitiful attempt to snap, the fear making Oikawa’s words stammer. Oikawa’s eyes lower shut but his face remains painfully open as tears begin to trace silver lines down his cheeks, his shoulders shaking in time with his shuddering breaths. 

And so it comes pouring out, words spilling from Oikawa’s lips like the tears that run a constant stream down his cheeks. Puzzle pieces, one by one, click into place, leaving Iwaizumi staring at a picture that ignites something deep within him. He wants to break the puzzle up into a thousand pieces and burn it.

“I-I didn’t really make friends with anyone. I was friendly with my classmates and they were too but I was always an outsider looking in.” Oikawa starts, words trembling.  
“I spent my time alone, in here, or out. No one ever bothered to try and know me. And maybe I would have been fine with that, but everything else began to crumble around me.”  
Iwaizumi’s heart wrenches, emotions tumbling through him.

“Everyone in Miyagi - back home - just stop bothering with me. No one called and texts petered out. I just stopped trying after a while, figured no one cared.” Oikawa’s voice cracks on the last sentence, shattering any illusion he was trying to create of nonchalance.  
"I felt alone, so very small and alone. Isolated, my own private island. And I was drifting away from everything I knew, and-and loved.” Iwaizumi almost wants to cover his ears, stop the words and stop that broken voice, but he can’t keep himself from listening.

“But it was okay. I was managing. I had my degree and I somehow had a girlfriend too. I was working too. And there was volleyball as well. It was bearable, it was enough.” Iwaizumi can feel the worst is yet to come and he wants to go back in time and slap sense into his old self, change the past so he doesn't have to hear this, doesn't have to be here. Oikawa continues, unable to stop the stream of words from his mouth.  
“But lessons became so hard to keep up with, I couldn’t understand my notes and I was slipping. Then, a p-paper came back and I had f-failed. I just didn’t know how to feel. The one thing I was here for, I’d just failed. It started the downward spiral I think. Everything got so much harder after that.”

“I stopped going into work, I couldn’t handle the hours upon hours of mind numbing tasks. And I started to skip classes sometimes, here and there, not enough to matter but enough to make me question if it was worth it, if anything was worth it.” Oikawa delivers each sentence with finality now, like a criminal pleading guilty to his crimes.  
“I avoided my girlfriend, without even meaning to, really. I made her hate me.” Iwaizumi wants to snap that this “girlfriend” didn’t seem to care much about him so why feel guilty but he keeps quiet.

“The only thing I didn’t abandon was volleyball. Even after I got fired. Even after she dumped me, saying I didn’t care about her or her feelings, which I guess was true. I didn’t really care about my own feelings by that point, I still went to volleyball. It made me lose my cares. I felt alive again, if only for an hour, on that court. When the ball was in motion the world stopped, nothing else mattered.” Iwaizumi wants to move and cover Oikawa’s mouth so he can’t hammer the last nail in the coffin, but he’s rooted to the spot.

“I became reckless, I pushed myself so hard just to stay on that court until the very end. On Sunday it all caught up with me. I was playing and I-I did a jump serve, I put so much power into that jump, and when I landed I just collapsed. My legs gave out beneath me, and when I tried to get up I couldn’t. My right knee was in agony and my left one was throbbing too.” The words are almost indecipherable, Oikawa’s voice racked by sobs that shake his entire being to the core, Iwaizumi only now noticing the thick white bandage wrapped around his right knee.

“A month, at the least, before I could go back on court. And three at the most.” Iwaizumi can feel the sheer pain in his voice.  
“Sunday, sunday night was when nothing mattered anymore. No energy, no emotion, nothing. I was, am, so empty.” Oikawa dissolves, right before Iwaizumi’s eyes. His breath harsh, jagged, his body shaking and his face. His face is a twisted tearful mess, anguish and desolation mixed in with the trails of tears that litter his cheeks. Worst still is the sharp words escaping his mouth, and endless tirade of hate and loathing directed at himself. Bitter words reach Iwaizumi’s ears sporadically, snippets here and there. 

“Useless. Worthless. Selfish. Arrogant. Complete idiot. Burden. Uncaring. Callous. Cruel.” The words dance in Iwaizumi’s brain, slowly filling him with _something_. Then  
“I’m so sorry Iwaizumi, I wasn’t enough. I never was, I never will be, there no point in trying anymore. No point to me even existing.”  
Iwaizumi’s blood is a dull roar in his ear as the invisible binds holding him in place shatter. He drops before Oikawa faster than he can think. He looks into his best friends face even though it breaks him over and over again, each second he looks worse than the last.

Iwaizumi cups Oikawa’s face in his hands, thumbs wiping away the tears staining his cheeks. “You’re enough Tooru. I promise you’re enough.”  
“Are you sure Iwa-chan? Look at me, I’m-”  
“Don’t start. Don’t you dare.” Iwaizumi interrupts. “You’ve always been enough Tooru.”  
“But-”  
“Hush. Don’t argue.” Iwaizumi brings his face in closer, gazing directly into Oikawa’s brown eyes. “You are enough. You always have been and you always will be enough to me. Don’t let anyone else tell you any different Tooru.” Iwaizumi’s heart feels like it’s stopped beating and his blood pounds in his ears.

“You are more than enough, for me, for anyone. And that will never, ever, change, no matter what. I will say it a thousand more times until you believe it. I will say it forever, if it means you don’t ever forget. Even if I have to remind you everyday, I will, because it will always be true.”

Oikawa looks up at him, eyes shining with hope and the tears that still spill down his cheeks.  
“You.. you really mean that?” It’s a whisper that Iwaizumi barely hears over the harsh breathing in the quiet dark room.  
“Of course I do Tooru. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t” Iwaizumi holds his breath, counting his heartbeat, waiting.  
“Then why did you leave? Why did you abandon me Iwa-chan?” The cracks in his voice make a sharp pain in Iwaizumi’s chest, and the question squeezes air from his lungs. He feels the words heavy on his tongue, unsure if he wants to say them but one glance at Oikawa’s face has them tumbling off his tongue in stilted breaths.  
“I .. I was .. I was scared. I .. didn’t know how I was feeling and .. I .. just .. didn’t want to lose you.” It sounds so weak once it’s left his mouth, especially since Iwaizumi almost lost Oikawa anyway. The pause is stiff and Iwaizumi wants to disappear. 

Oikawa is considering, Iwaizumi can see him turning over everything in his eyes. It gives him the same feeling it did so many months ago, only this time there is no chance of brushing it off, not that he would want to anyway. Still the question is startling.  
“What do you mean you didn’t know how you were feeling?” The question is tentative but blunt.  
The breath catches in his throat and he can’t look at Oikawa. He knows honesty is the best in this situation but he can’t help that flash of anxiety that accompanies his reply.  
“I- You- After that night, I .. was .. confused. About- about how I was feeling .. about you.” The last part is whispered, a reluctant addition.

Oikawa’s expression moves so suddenly, one moment devastated, the next hope written all over his face. His eyes are light and dark at once, ensnaring Iwaizumi so he can’t look away.  
“And these feelings .. towards me. What were they?” Oikawa’s voice is low and dark, Iwaizumi’s pulse bites at his neck and he’s on the verge of losing control of his breathing. Somehow, he manages to form a response.

“I uh, I don’t really know .. to be exact.” Iwaizumi swears he stops breathing.  
A pair of umber eyes beneath hooded eyelids watch him, urging him to continue, to speak and tear down the wall hanging between them. Only because of that does Iwaizumi manage to continue.  
“I .. uh .. I thought- I think that, that I .. I might .. maybe .. kind of .. possibly .. slightly .. have some sort of,” Iwaizumi draws the sentence out for as long as possible, adding words and pauses to delay the sinking feeling rising within him. But eventually he knows has to finish the sentence and face the judgement presented to him by two brown eyes lined with tired bruises and the glisten of drying tears. “.. ro-romantic .. inclinations .. towards .... you.”

The finality of the sentence hits him and a pause hangs heavy the air. Iwaizumi closes his eyes, unable to face the look of disgust that will surely be etched onto his as-of-his-confession former best friend. Instead the back of his eyelids begins to burn as the seconds stretch out longer. Iwaizumi dares risk a glance, eyes slivering open, just in time to see Oikawa pull him forward, hands grasping at his arms with fierce need.

Oikawa’s lips collide with his own, too impossibly soft for the force of the impact. Iwaizumi clings to Oikawa, matching his desperation with his own. Oikawa’s hands slide up, one cupping his face and the other tangling into his short hair. Iwaizumi breath has disappeared and all he can feel is Oikawa’s mouth move against his own.

It’s a want, a need, he didn’t know he had. Oikawa pushes into the kiss with a sense of longing for more, as if he had wanted this for a while and needed more to remind him it was really, finally, happening.

His fingers brush over Oikawa’s cheek, fingertips touching the very ends of his hair, soft skin and even softer hair. He slides a hand through Oikawa’s locks, not realising how much he had wanted to until he was doing it, fingers tightening around the silken brown strands, pulling Oikawa closer still. 

They pull apart only enough for for there to be space to breath, Oikawa’s hands holding Iwaizumi in place. Iwaizumi’s words stick in throat and his breath stutters.  
“Hajime..” On Oikawa’s lips his name sounds like a prayer.

Oikawa gazes at him, his eyes open and vulnerable, cheeks flushed and his hands clinging to Iwaizumi’s arms fiercely.  
“Will you stay with me?”Oikawa’s voice is whisper soft, cracked with quiet desperation.  
The question is simple, but Iwaizumi hears a hidden note to it, an underlying ask of something more.  
“ .. Of course I will Tooru. I’ll always stay with you. I’m .. I’m not leaving you again.” His voice shakes, the final sentence delivered in a rushed breath. 

Uncertain if he had said the right thing, Iwaizumi’s breath catches in his throat. But a small smile tilts Oikawa’s lips and his eyes light with hope, quelling his doubt.

\----

And so, they end as it had all begun so long ago, lying facing each other on Oikawa’s bed. 

There are no glow-in-the-dark stars for Iwaizumi to gaze at, but Iwaizumi couldn’t care less. He feels as if everything has slid into place, as if the puzzle has given him a picture he didn’t know he needed, but now he can’t see it being any other way. 

Iwaizumi feels his heart sped up a little and his cheeks flush, as Oikawa takes his hand that lies between them and links it with his own. Oikawa looks at him, eyelids lowered and eyes dark. Sleep is slowly pulling him into unconsciousness and his face still bears the remnants of his earlier tears but Iwaizumi thinks he’s never looked so beautiful. Iwaizumi leans forward and leaves a light kiss on Oikawa’s lips. Oikawa’s lips curve into a smile beneath his own and when he pulls back Iwaizumi doesn’t think he’s ever seen Oikawa look so happy or at peace.

“You didn’t tell me the voicemail.” Oikawa’s voice is softened with sleep, a childlike quality to it. A smile forms on Iwaizumi’s lips.  
“Tomorrow.” He replies, because they do have tomorrow, and the next and the next. They have every day they need to figure this out, to figure out what they are, to figure out Oikawa’s mind. To fix things between them, to get Oikawa back on his feet. 

Iwaizumi and Oikaw-no, _Tooru_ have all the time in the world. 

As sleep drags his eyelids close, Iwaizumi amends the thought he had so long ago. He wouldn’t do anything for Oikawa to feel the brief peace of sleep. He would do anything for Oikawa to be happy. Anything at all to never ever see such an devastated and broken expression grace his face again.

Iwaizumi would do anything for Oikawa. 

Anything and Everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT IS DONE. Thank you so much to anyone who has read this the whole way through, I really hope you like it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I would really appreciate any comments/criticism and, of course, any kudos are very welcome.


End file.
